Comedy Horoscopes

Check out these Comedy Horoscopes courtesy of Gary Smith at www.thevoiceofreason.com/ComedyHoroscopes/.

Aries

A strong, shiny, Sun will not only blister you and make you sore this month; it will also have devastating effects on your punctuation. Despite all of your best efforts, commas, semi colons and dashes will appear haphazardly in any copy you produce. Accept this limitation until after sun sets nightly before the 22nd, or only use e-mail for the whole month. An aptly named cuddly toy will influence an important decision around the 4th. The internet will sow a seed in your mind that will eventually lead to you purchasing a bird bath later in the year.

Taurus

A mysterious, thick fog will fall upon your early morning getting-ready-for-work ablutions up until the 18th. You have waited long enough to tell a close friend what you really feel. Use the opportunity of a spontaneous fish supper to get everything off your chest. Nursery rhymes involving eggs are poorly starred, especially after the 15th at school events, coffee mornings or tea dances involving old people. (Remember: A happy quip, or, at least, a sentence that goes up at the end, is generally all you need to make an old person with poor hearing laugh. You will thank us for that tip later in the year.)

Gemini

Your irrational fear of the weights room at the gym, and physical exercise using weights in general, will come to a head this month. A seaside astrologer once told you these gym fears were due to you having been kidnapped by a muscly person wearing a gym vest in a previous life. This is of course complete nonsense - it was because Saturn and Mars were adjunct. Well, good news: As of the 4th of this month, this is no longer an issue, hooray for you! Even so, cautiously temper your gym activities this month, avoiding incidents which could lead to kidnapping type incidents in all of their forms, including being imprisoned accidentally in small closets or wash rooms. When laying on your back looking up at the stars, ensure that Saturn has a clear line of sight to you as it flies like a slow-motion dove through the skies around the 23rd.

Cancer

Reds and oranges, but not yellows, will offer comfort in a clothing based dilemma around the 6th. You will completely ignore warnings of impending doom and disaster after the 18th to no apparent consequence. Donkeys, in all of their forms, should be avoided after the 23rd due to the risk of a painful incident involving a large straw hat with ears pointing out the top. Dogs and rodents may be charmed by your joie de vivre around the 17th, especially in any rustic, French-based setting. However domesticated cats, and those in their family, will not be, and may choose to punish your inappropriate Frenchness leaving you in an uncomfortable, and untidy, position.

Leo

Allow Mercury and Pluto to make all your decisions this month. Summon their powers with a dice, numbering each of your options (1 to 6) before shaking vigorously to observe what the planets have in store. Careful use of this power, around the spiritually significant period of dusk, may lead to better than average lottery number picking chances, although smaller requests, such as 'will the car start first time in the morning?', or 'will a postal delivery get here on time?', are more reasonable requests. The planets have noticed that in your normal praying routine you never give them a mention. Try to remember this in any requests involving money, or physical injury to those deserving of your wrath.

Virgo

Pink and bright yellow cartoon characters will pepper your month in ways seemingly so fanciful to be ridiculous as you read this. Don't laugh! Have we ever let you down? Embrace cartoon characters, including their merchandising, in all of their furry and fluffy big-footed glory, especially around the 9th, when Neptune gets smashed on the head from behind by Saturn wielding a big, oversized, hammer. Welcome advice from afar this month, which may come in the form of a radio phone-in show, television talk show or an e-mail from someone you don't know from Nigeria.

Libra

Those secret plans you have been working on for the last 18 months are now nearly ready for an expensive, dramatic, theatrical presentation, possibly involving fireworks, or at least a sparkler or two. Giving public addresses normally leaves you tongue-tied and sweatily-apprehensive for days beforehand, but Mercury is about to give you a well needed boost. This month Mercury is unencumbered by its recent, turbulent, motion in the upper phase of its retrograde marsupial swing, which means, to the layman, that you are about to be blessed with car salesman levels of articulacy. Enjoy your new found ease with audiences and do not fear this talent will disappear all of a sudden in the middle of a speech, or complicated dance routine.

Scorpio

As a typical Scorpio[n] you like to nip your prey to submission using your pointy claws. This month will be no exception, however continue to hold back even though a loved one is really asking for it. A Mercurial eclipse around the 6th offers the prospects for a TV dinner to not go as planned, especially if an elderly microwave oven is involved. Ensure kitchen wipes and cushions are on hand throughout the period of danger, or at least until the smoke detector goes off. Nuts and raisins will provide moments of hilarity when they appear unexpectedly in a salad after the 17th.

Sagittarius

A hearty cough has saved many a life, especially in sub-Heimlich Manoeuvre choking instances. Use this knowledge to your advantage around the 10th when invited to a dull, ill advised, dining event under the influence of Mars. Beware The Congo, yellow Wellington Boots and copper coins after the 8th, as Pluto's ascendancy is adjunct to Mercury's' natural mood. Flipping coins will also prove problematic at times for this reason. Swings, slides, but not spinning wheels, are your favoured playground activities.

Capricorn

Remember that imaginary fears are just that. Only fear things you can actually see, hear, or that can hide in dark spaces in your home ready to jump out at you from behind at a moment's notice. You will be put in the embarrassing (and far too complicated to go into here) position of having to accept charity this month, even though you do not need it. Accept gifts given with a cross, impatient, face, and hand them over to those even less fortunate than yourself at your soonest convenience. In both lottery's and Chinese takeaways the number 17 will have extra special significance.

Aquarius

A small car will make this month traumatic, especially when driving in narrow country roads or when you are parked precariously by a pool, lake or river. Fire hydrants could provide moments of water based enjoyment, as could office based sprinkler systems, but not garden hoses. Accept change given you by vending machines in the spirit intended, but do not spit back. Venus continues to watch with a furrowed brow.

Pisces

As a Pisces you are only too aware that you are the only star sign with all the letters of the word piss in the correct order. Your planetary influenced, stroppy, arrogant, pigheaded, won't listen to anyone, angry, yes - pissy, attitude, tends to attract the wrong kind of friends. Welcome the opportunity of an anger management course at any time as long as it isn't run by a fellow Piscean. Dress in light colours and work on your body language as your sharp tongue will continue to be your undoing. The phrase: 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' will have a rude meaning around the 27th.